Irregularities

I want to swear, I do. Okay I don't need blogger to do that. I'll just try to put some words together and go swear somewhere else.

A glasshouse is what it is. I have to steal the idea, sorry Menna. I know you're not reading this anyway.

So yeah, I've been in that glasshouse for 3 months now and the glass keeps getting dimmer and dimmer. There's something between me and life. I'm more forgetful than ever. It even takes me 3 seconds sometimes to remember the name of a friend.

Concentration: 0
Coexistence: 0
Memory: 0
Understanding: 0
Reacting: 0
Expression: 0
Energy: 0
Self-esteem: 0
Courage: 0

And I thought it will take its time and go as usual, but it didn't. And oh, I do vent a lot. Usually to myself. And I kept increasing these bunch of zeros above during writing this post. There's no way I can write all that at once.

It feels better to live alone though. Staying home was killing my soul, or what's left of it.

Berrawy is the perfect word to describe me now. I was never that friendly relative who would just call and ask how d'you do. It's just not me, I'm sorry. I know how much people need it sometimes cuz simple I do need it sometimes, but I blame myself always. I don't blame others if I'm lonely.

Lack of purpose? Maybe. Lack of belief? Maybe. Sometimes I feel like I need a psychiatrist to know that, or a traumatic experience.

And I can even express my fuckin self! I feel lost in my head and words won't come out. Now when I'm talking about myself, but about anything. Words refuse to form and get out. It's really painful to want to say something but the words won't come. It's like you want to hold your friend's hand and transfer your feeling as if it's electricity. Fuck that really.

And courage. Well let's be honest I've always been shaky, but these days it's just redoubled. Whenever I watch someone speaking all I think about is their confidence. You know that crown that the ill see on the heads of the healthy? It's true. I see crowns on the heads of the self-confident who can master their thoughts and FUCKIN EXPRESS IT.

I do care what people think. I just can't help it. I ignore it but that doesn't mean I don't care. I do and I feel it and I think about it, and I back out sometimes or do what I do with guilt. What I'd do to be that hero in The Moon and Sixpence!

Trapped in my own head. That's what I am right now. Fuck me.