Irregularities

Coldplay, another dream on its way to come true!

2011-12-06T20:01:00.000+02:00

So my ticket to the Coldplay concert on New Year's Eve in Abu Dhabi is booked. The plane is ticket is booked. Everything's ready.
How cool can this year be? A revolution in January, my dream of leaving Egypt comes true in July, first plane ride ever on the same month, and here I am flying again to Abu Dhabi for the Coldplay concert!
I love my life right now!

Turbulance

2011-10-30T15:12:00.000+02:00

One look would be enough. One smile. One nod. Any sign of recognition at all. I dunno how to take it. Everyday I keep my hopes high, but they are crushed on your wandering look at nothing and no one. I feel like I should do something about it, but I also see how lost the cause is. Will it ever happen?

Getting Used to Qatar

2011-08-17T00:04:00.000+02:00

It has been about a month now since I arrived here in Qatar. I am still very happy, and still don't really miss Egypt. I miss friends of course, but so many friends came and left last year that I got used to being away from people.

It's such a refreshing feeling to be away from everything I have ever known! Nothing like discovering a small country, really. I can say that I've been about. I haven't been everywhere, but if I put my mind to it this can be done in a week. Most of the hangouts here are shopping centers and restaurants The dominant cuisine over here is the Syrian/Lebanese (not surprising). So far I haven't been to any Egyptian restaurants. They are there, but they are few, unlike Turkish or Syrian restaurants that are there in every corner.

It took me almost 3 weeks to know where I live. Streets are pretty much the same everywhere. No tall buildings here except for the famous hotels. Other than that, it's mostly compounds of 2 or 3 stories.

What was really new to me was the traffic lights. There are a lot of intersections, and thanks to traffic lights, there is no need for bridges or U-turns. The country is full of cars (everyone here can afford getting a car), but still the streets are not crowded. There are parking spots everywhere so you don't have to throw your car anywhere and go.

I really enjoy living in Qatar!

Blogging from Doha!!

2011-07-23T16:17:00.000+02:00

Finally, I am out of Egypt. Last night was the first ever to spend away from Egypt. Ir still feels kind of different, but enjoyable to the extreme!
I just got back from my very first supermarket visit here. The prices are not that different from Egypt. Most of the products you will find in the supermarket costs the same or maximum 10% more than any usual supermarket in Egypt. I guess the difference here is that you can't find really cheap low quality products (like Tamween in Egypt for example). Also all personal care stuff that you usually buy from a pharmacy in Egypt are available in supermarkets instead.
A good example of the prices here would be a pepsi can. Here you can get it for 1.5 Riyals.
Good day everyone and enjoy whatever you're doing!

Good Will Hunting

2011-06-26T10:12:00.000+02:00

Will Hunting was a mathematical genius. Everything about him said he is very confident. Still, deep inside him he cannot really trust anyone. He cannot feel love. He cannot feel anything except fear of the other. A fear deep down that one day the other will abandon him.

Now the dilemma is: can you fix insecurity all by yourself? Can a lifetime problem, a childhood complex like that, be fixed by working on one's self?

Turning point

2011-06-18T12:19:00.000+02:00

Here I am not knowing what to write. I don't sleep well. I have 2 things on my mind and I can't get them off. I wake up everyday with the feeling that I saw horrible dreams I can't remember. Not the best feeling ever, that.

My mind is just blank. I want to write about my prospects. I want to write about someone special. But in both cases waiting is all I can do. Just wait, wait, wait till something turns up. And if there's anything I hate, it's waiting.

Amanda Fucking Palmer and Evelyn Evelyn

2011-06-08T11:57:00.000+02:00

Amanda Palmer is everything I would hate and despise in normal circumstances. She posts naked pics of herself on her website. She appears naked in public places. She sings in her lingerie. She is very proud of her pubic and armpits hair. She is controversial to the extreme. Yet, I find myself liking her. I even find her attractive (or sexy if you prefer this word). I think she is a very talented musician and I love her crazy lyrics.

I first heard about Amanda Palmer a couple of years ago. I liked her immediately and liked her album and listened to it all the time. Then somehow I totally forgot about her. For I dunno how much time I never listened to her and she never crossed my mind. Until yesterday. My some coincidence I rediscovered her, and through her I discovered a song I have been listening to for almost 3 hours: Evelyn Evelyn.

I feel like I'm not myself. Or, I feel like myself is not my idea of myself. Maybe I should let go and make Amanda Palmer my new idol.

Rusty me

2011-06-06T03:12:00.000+02:00

Bit by bit I am removing layers of rust that covered my soul for years. It is going to be a long process, and I will need a huge amount of luck to become alive, but I am hopeful. I am learning and remembering things about myself, and I am getting better at understanding someone else. It has to be different this time. It just has to.

Reflections

2011-05-31T03:17:00.000+02:00

Reflecting one's own fears and insecurities in one's opinions is one of the most basic and unintentional of the human traits.

Think about this when you criticize anything you don't approve of. Ask yourself: can you do it? When I think about it, it's usually that I can't.

R for Rejuvenation

2011-05-29T02:28:00.001+02:00

Last time I felt like this she turned out to be lesbian. A crazy lesbian too. Still, she had the most expressive eyes I have ever set eyes on. Not that I was able to look her steady in the eye. Far from it, I was actually trembling when I was getting her number, while she and her "girlfriend" were smiling sympathetically.

After all these years I feel like almost nothing has changed. I am still completely blind when it comes to signs, still involuntarily consider the whole other gender race as sisters, and still as irrational in my crushes as ever. Anything can be expected after having a crush on batgirl from the cartoon "The Batman" (Best cartoon eyes ever btw!).

You want to stay, and in the same time you want to run away as if wild horses are at your heels. You want to talk, but you're afraid you'll reveal more about your sorry self than you should. Torn between igniting and burying that inexplicable weird feeling of yearning to something you don't understand and you know 100% you will never have. Maybe this is why you yearned for it anyway, just another method of the psychological masochism library you bossess.

You know you'll never fall in love when your crushes turn you into a silent, inarticulate, depressed ass.

And I blame another R for this: Religion.

Strange feeling

2011-05-22T00:51:00.000+02:00

Funny how I feel something that I can't understand, and I know that this something is triggered by a certain someone, but you just don't know how to deal with it. Why would someone I barely talked to and only seen for an hour or so trigger such strange feelings? It just does NOT make any sense! I know she had the most expressive face I have ever seen, but still, if she read this she'll think I'm a weirdo. Well, I think if anyone read this will think I'm a weirdo. That does not change the fact that I did have a strange feeling that I cannot fathom.

And I ran away from her. I ran away from the strangeness of my feeling. I tried to kill it as I always did with any other feeling I have ever had. Only by accident do I come here today to write about it. That sounds funny. I a day or two my feeling will die out like any other feeling I ever had, but whether it will leave a scar like many feelings did I am yet to know.

Again, by accident, yesterday I was talking with a friend of mine about almost the same thing. The inability to make advances. Even when advances were like the most natural thing in the world, we would remain friends. It's like a world of possibilities never discovered or tread. Feels pathetic too. And lonely. And then all this triggered by a certain someone who reminded me of a certain someone else just because they both live in the same country. Funny how my mind works.

Dogtooth

2011-04-12T03:46:00.000+02:00

That might be the first Greek movie I have ever seen, and definitely a weird one. Dogtooth is about a secluded family life of overprotective parents, so much so that their children never left the house, watched TV or had any sort of interaction with the outside world.

The movie was strange to say the least. It gets you thinking how can anyone do this to their own offspring. But then, ain't our family life famous for being overprotective? I couldn't help linking between zombies that mean small yellow flowers and all the lies we were subjected to so that we keep away from strangers and "stay safe".

The world might be cruel, but it is definitely much safer and gentler than parents think it is. At least in my case.

khara

2011-04-08T03:27:00.000+02:00

I want to swear, I do. Okay I don't need blogger to do that. I'll just try to put some words together and go swear somewhere else.

A glasshouse is what it is. I have to steal the idea, sorry Menna. I know you're not reading this anyway.

So yeah, I've been in that glasshouse for 3 months now and the glass keeps getting dimmer and dimmer. There's something between me and life. I'm more forgetful than ever. It even takes me 3 seconds sometimes to remember the name of a friend.

Concentration: 0
Coexistence: 0
Memory: 0
Understanding: 0
Reacting: 0
Expression: 0
Energy: 0
Self-esteem: 0
Courage: 0

And I thought it will take its time and go as usual, but it didn't. And oh, I do vent a lot. Usually to myself. And I kept increasing these bunch of zeros above during writing this post. There's no way I can write all that at once.

It feels better to live alone though. Staying home was killing my soul, or what's left of it.

Berrawy is the perfect word to describe me now. I was never that friendly relative who would just call and ask how d'you do. It's just not me, I'm sorry. I know how much people need it sometimes cuz simple I do need it sometimes, but I blame myself always. I don't blame others if I'm lonely.

Lack of purpose? Maybe. Lack of belief? Maybe. Sometimes I feel like I need a psychiatrist to know that, or a traumatic experience.

And I can even express my fuckin self! I feel lost in my head and words won't come out. Now when I'm talking about myself, but about anything. Words refuse to form and get out. It's really painful to want to say something but the words won't come. It's like you want to hold your friend's hand and transfer your feeling as if it's electricity. Fuck that really.

And courage. Well let's be honest I've always been shaky, but these days it's just redoubled. Whenever I watch someone speaking all I think about is their confidence. You know that crown that the ill see on the heads of the healthy? It's true. I see crowns on the heads of the self-confident who can master their thoughts and FUCKIN EXPRESS IT.

I do care what people think. I just can't help it. I ignore it but that doesn't mean I don't care. I do and I feel it and I think about it, and I back out sometimes or do what I do with guilt. What I'd do to be that hero in The Moon and Sixpence!

Trapped in my own head. That's what I am right now. Fuck me.

Mute

2011-04-01T20:00:00.002+02:00

That's what I have been for a while now. I can't think of words, let alone utter them. I find it very difficult to remember names. I have always been like this, but now it's more intense.

And fear is blocking my view of life. It's like I'm unfit to live. And I don't know how to get out of this. It's killing me.

I want to scream out loud.

But what I want more is a kind hand on my shoulder telling me that everything's gonna be alright.

If only...

2011-02-21T01:01:00.002+02:00

If only we can talk to the dead. If only we can still be in touch with authors who passed away.

One author I wanna call is George Orwell. I wonder what would he say about the revolutions of the Arab world. I want to tell him that we learned. It took us half a century, but better late than never. As in the Animal Farm, last century our revolutions were led by pigs. Now we, the animals, have risen once again to liberate our farms from the pigs. This time we have no leaders. We are one. ALL ANIMALS ARE EQUAL, PERIOD.

Freedom in the Square

2011-02-10T01:00:00.003+02:00

Last Friday will always live within me till the day I die.

That day, I saw Egypt the utopia. 2 million friendly people smiling, chanting, talking and ready to sacrifice their lives for what they believe in. The day before there was tension, fear and anger. Only 24 hours later there was victory in the eyes of everyone you see. The square belongs undisputed to the free people who came from all over Egypt to occupy it from the forces of corruption and oppression.

I talked with many people I don't know. We all had different views on things, but the main goal is unanimous: overthrowing Mubarak.

In the square you don't get special attention even if you're a celebrity. In Tahrir all Egyptians are equal with all senses of the word. As the night went on the visitors left, and the residents stayed. It was cold and rainy, but the square had at least 100,000 people still.

What affected me most was how classes dissolved in the square. Rich and poor talked, laughed and ate together. It didn't matter where you're from or what you do. It didn't matter if you're Muslim, Christian or neither. Nobody cared even those you would expect them to be extremists in normal circumstances. Bearded middle-aged men from rural areas camped 5 meters away from fancy rich girls in their twenties. Guys from the Muslim brotherhood debated and laughed with leftists. Mutual understanding was in the air, or shall I say freedom? Because this has always been my idea of freedom.

I'm proud to have witnessed that unique group of human beings and feel part of them for one night. I am proud my society was able to produce such a homogeneous mass of people, and I consider myself lucky to catch this rebellious spirit in its wake.

Damn you, FEAR

2010-12-17T03:49:00.002+02:00

How and when will I break this shell I'm living in? Breaking free I must before I lose everything that I want to be. Before I end up leading a miserable life with no hope of finding who I really am. But HOW? How can I not be that fuckin nice guy I am? How can I go for what I want, not what is proper or what I can get?

Sometimes I wish I'd push my hands right into my chest, grab that hateful thing fear that's holding me back on every level, and throw it away as strong as my arms can go.

But then I remember... I'm too afraid to do it. The flame always die out. It died out last April, gradually but surely. It will die out again, that is if it ever was extinguished again.

Visitors

2010-11-30T04:09:00.002+02:00

They come. They impress. They affect. They plant happiness. They raise new ideas. They talk of a different world. Then they just go.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of saying goodbye. I'm tired to meeting wonderful people I know my life would be wonderful with, just to see them go away again in a matter of days. I'm tired of being the poorer side always. I'm tired of thinking how to get out of this prison of a country to experience the vast world outside.

I have nothing to write about except my uninteresting self. It feels awful bad to work your ass off just to pay the bills, and that's what I've been doing all year.

New year's resolution: GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SHIT HOLE.

2010-10-13T22:42:00.002+02:00

Sometimes I wish to die there and then. Just to go into oblivion, or to Hades, or to Heaven or Hell, or whatever else destiny it is. It's not out of depression that this wish comes, but rather out of wishing not to worry anymore about the future, or attaining dreams, or being better, or overcoming fears. It must be such a wonderful feeling not to feel nothing at all.

Egyptian Garbage

2010-10-06T01:54:00.002+02:00

So I'm coming home from a dinner party where the guys are paying 4800 a month for a place that's big, but hasn't been painted for at least 30 years and the toilet doesn't flush.

At the metro station, two garbage collectors are collecting the garbage from garbage cans. They are wearing the dirtiest clothes you can imagine and are actually getting the garbage out of the bags into a big plastic bag one of them is holding (probably their manager's instructions to save bags). They check the garbage first for anything that can be taken, and what do they find? A western branded cigarette pack almost full with cigarettes. It's like their day has been made. They couldn't have been more happy if you told them you're getting an extra month's salary.

At moments like this Egypt disgusts me.

Howards End

2010-09-04T22:23:00.004+02:00

Oh my God! I am starting to remember what I have forgotten for a while: that the culmination of one's life is reading a moving and meaningful book. Too bad good books don't happen to me more often!

Howards End is a house that is not dead. It's alive more than many people, even more than some of those who actually lived in it. Through it you see how lives can go up and down, and what makes the difference between those who Say "I " and those who don't. It's a pity that the earth is inherited, and will always be inherited, by those who don't say "I ". Those who go about without connecting, who believe in retorts as soon as they were invented and uttered.

And such characters were there is this book! I would consider it the goal of my life to find people like that - and keep them. What is life without people like that, who can see beyond and through things? Life is only worth living if it was spent trying to find such people. Sometimes they go in disguise and require great skill to find them out, and even after finding them out it's even harder to keep them around. The only way I see of keeping them around is to try and reach them in their superiority, which I am determined to do or at least die trying. It's no use settling to life's realities, ugly as they might be. It's no use surrendering. Such people and such life they promise is worth fighting for, and worth all the sadness and seclusion spent till they are reached.

Hat down to E. M. Forster for such an amazing reading experience!

2010-08-31T14:35:00.002+02:00

I've been reading much more than I used to. I read 10 books in August, 4 of them in the last week alone. To me that's a really bad sign. I resort to reading when I feel like crap, cuz reading is the easiest thing you can do, especially when you're not reading interesting books. You just lie down, read the crap you're reading, and feel no impact whatsoever. Well, I haven't been reading interesting books. I don't even remember what was the last interesting book I read.

I need a purpose. I need a bridge over my loneliness. I need to get back to Deutsch. Maybe buying a desk would help? I know it won't, but I also know I'll buy one anyway whenever I have the money.

I see an angel treated badly by her boyfriend. I don't know him, and I've only met her twice, but she's one of those people whose soul is radiating kindness and simplicity. She's one of those people whose eyes are clear windows to their souls. She's another citizen of the world, and God how rare they are!

In the back of my head I feel unwanted by the world. It's such an awful feeling.

Alienated

2010-08-29T02:31:00.003+02:00

So this blog has been abandoned since I left work almost a month ago.

I always resort to my blog at my down times, and this is definitely not my best days ever.

So I went to Aswan in August, in Ramadan, and I enjoyed it.

I didn't enjoy having to haggle for each bottle of water you buy, or the sellers running after u in the market trying to sell you whatever and mistaking you for a tourist (and I thought I look 100% Egyptian), or the the room in the hostel with no AC for which I was paying 7 pounds.

BUT I enjoyed staying in a small city where you can walk from end to end in 45 minutes. I enjoyed the feluca on which we stayed 2 nights without shelter or electricity, and yes: without bathroom.

6 hours after I came back, the debit card by which I get paid finally arrived. It was a moment of happiness that I didn't feel for so long. This is the 3rd card that they send, the 2 cards being lost in the post. Thanks to the Egyptian Postal Service, I was penniless for almost 3 months and had to borrow loads of money.

Happiness didn't last long though. The same day I returned we had some family guests over for Iftar. I had my cultural chock. I was compelled to watch TV for the first time in Ramadan because my family can't imagine a gathering without TV on. I had to endure the most typical Egyptian conversations after a week of freedom. I had to answer the eternal question of "when are you going to get married, and when are you going to start looking" again, and I couldn't even say the right answer. I felt more than ever like an alien in my own home, or rather in my mom's home. I don't know if I can call it home anymore after having my own place.

It's such an awful feeling to feel so alienated in one's own natural environment. It's as unnatural as a lion feeling alienated in a wood full of game. If you asked me, it's one of the most horrible feelings ever.

On leaving work

2010-08-04T12:55:00.003+03:00

What the hell. I'll write about it. I'm under the influence of Catcher is the Rye though, so I hope you won't mind the swearing.

Anyway, so I left work two days ago. One day after the first payday. I, the newest translator in the office, was getting the highest salary. And how much would that be? A lousy 1500 pounds. So at payday, what did the management do? They just put all the salaries in one paper, and you were supposed to sign behind your name. So everybody knew everybody else's salary. Even the supervisor, aged 50 something, was getting 2200 pounds. He's no good though. No wonder he's accepting such a lousy salary. He's so bad that when a really important project came, the management manual of a mining company called ASCOM, they assigned ME, back then in my 3rd week at work, to translate the first part and proofread the other 3 parts, and later to discuss my "translation" with the company manager. (they told the company manager only me and another translator worked on it, when in fact 4 of us did).

Anyway, there was this guy who is practically the longest one working among the junior translators (the translator team was composed of 1 supervisor and 5 junior translators). He's been there for almost 7 months. He's the worst translator in the team, and he don't even know it. He's so bad that he wrote "the administrative system into the company" when he meant to write "The company's management system". So he made a commotion about the salaries with the management, and what did they do? They told him we're paying you what you deserve, and they printed out his portion of the project before and after my proofreading. Now guess who is to blame? ME! How dare I find faults with his translation? And he said he had found mistakes with some of my translations too, he who can't even write a goddamn English sentence without at least 3 mistakes. But I didn't know about all this until he called me after I quit. And just to let you know, he had a beard and is supposed to be religious. So he called me and was so angry, and told me I am "menafsen" (psycho) and wouldn't get my chair out of the way when he wanted to pass! And that I was putting myself too damn high not to accept 1000 pounds like they did.

But I didn't leave because of that. There was this other guy, aged 34, who started working for the company about a month before me. He's alright. Not the most wonderful translator, but his level is acceptable. You can also see he can improve himself if put under a good senior or supervisor. Anyway, so I asked him why did he accepted such a lousy salary (he was getting 1000 pounds). I told him I feel bad that I'm getting the highest salary. I said he's good and he deserves a better salary. He said he'll soon get married and can't make problems about the salary right now. Conversation over. I guess the reason I even started this conversation was because my favorite translator there, Basma, left by the end of July. She started working a couple of days before me, but she couldn't take it, so she gave notice 2 weeks after she started and then left. So what did the guy do next day? He went and reported to the management! So what did the manager do? They yelled about it a bit, then told me she and the company owner decided to give equal salaries to all the junior translators. 1000 pounds each. Of course I said no. I'd rather stay at home and do nothing than work my ass off 6 days a week for a sum like that. So the matter ended in me getting my papers and the pay of the 2 days I worked in August, and leaving.

I don't even know how can I fuckin comment. Some matters are just self-explanatory. So this is basically my first experience under Egyptian management. Go figure.

Hello Goodbye

2010-07-29T16:41:00.003+03:00

I feel myself changing. Nice, isn't it? I'm getting closer to people.

I met new people, and some of them turned out to be wonderful. Goodbyes are harder though when the people are wonderful. The hugs and kisses are never enough, and you always find yourself looking back when you should just turn your back and go.

Here's to my two new wonderful friends: Ilaria and Marcio. Thank you for lighting up my life for 3 days.

Working...

2010-07-05T15:52:00.003+03:00

So I finally settled down for a full-time job. I'm actually blogging from there right now because I have nothing else to do. I missed being "at work" and having nothing to work on! It's boring, but it won't last long. Been working straight since Saturday, so an hour's rest is very welcome. The pay is not at all wonderful, but the fact that the company called me again after I refused their first offer is making me feel more confidant. The people are extra nice so far, especially the supervisor. I still need time to get to know my colleagues, but my first impression is that they're nice people.

I'm also starting to realize how much experience I'm likely to get by being exposed to different content and having to translate from Arabic to English sometimes. Another wonderful thing is that work is 5 minutes walking distance away from home! Nice, huh?

I have also been meeting some interesting people. These's this Catalonian guy I traveled with to Siwa, but sadly he left to Ethiopia already. But before leaving he introduced me to a very interesting German colleague of his. We have a month to work on our friendship, which is not at all a bad prospect. I'm still hosting people all the time, but now I spend with them very little time because of my new job.

Oh, and I finally got my sofa bed! I'm already in love with it that yesterday I slept on it rather than in my room! Now all I need is a simple bedroom, which will happen very soon. Life's good to me, thank God!

Siwa

2010-06-21T12:25:00.002+03:00

I've been to Siwa for a couple of days. We were 9 in total, and I only met 3 of them before. In the whole we were strangers to each other, which was perfect for traveling. We arrived there at 6 am, checked in a small hotel, slept for a couple of hours and then met at 9 am to start our tour. The tour was on donkey carts (2 wheeled small carts, maximum 4 passengers). We covered almost all what's there to see during that day in Siwa (Mountain of the dead, the oracle temple, Cleopatra spring, Shali ruins, Fontas spring) and watched the sunset on the lake shore. I prayed the Friday prayer in the 1st mosque in Siwa, a small one built of adobe on top of a small hill beside the Shali ruins.

The 2nd day we went on a Safari trip near Siwa in a couple of 4x4 cars. Only 10 minutes after the start of our trip the car I was in broke down. We had to wait about 15 minutes for the other car to go to the cold spring and then come back to pick us up. We spent the time sandboarding and it was really nice to try that.

The other car picked us up and we went to the cold spring, which is actually a lake in the middle of the desert. Small fish going around your feet isn't something you expect in a desert, right? After that we went with one car (the 9 of us, 4 on top) to the hot spring, but unfortunately we didn't make it. First the stuff on top (tents, etc) went loose so the guys on top had to jump. Then the driver was reckless and the car flipped while trying to go up a small dune (this time 3 on top). Luckily the guys on top jumped in time and the car didn't roll down the dune because of tents stuffed on top. Some of us decided to walk to the hot spring instead of waiting and we kinda got lost! We stayed for a while till they come pick us up and when they didn't we decided to walk back. We were following the lights and shouting for them to know which way to go. After we reached the camp safely we had dinner and then some of us lied down to sleep.

I couldn't sleep. The beauty of the stars was too much for me to sleep. I kinda felt lonely when I lied down. I kept thinking how beautiful it would've been if she were there with me watching the endless stars and talking about whatever. Luckily I wasn't the only one who couldn't sleep. I had a nice long chat with Hector from Catalonia and Jacklyn, a Chinese girl from the US. At about 4 am we finally felt sleepy and I managed to sleep 30 minutes or so, only to wake up just before dawn. It was the 1st time I didn't like it when dawn was breaking, because it stole away the stars from the sky.

After that we had breakfast, packed and went to the hot spring. Then on our way back to Siwa we went to see the sea shells in the middle of the desert, an unforgettable sight. Imagine a wide valley full of sea shells in the middle of the western desert! Then we went back, took a microbus to Matrouh and there we split up. Me and Mahmoud had to go back to Cairo, 3 others went to Alexandria and the rest stayed in Matrouh for the night.

So many first times I had in those 2 days! It was one of the most enjoyable trips I had in my life, and one of the most adventurous too. Looking forward to my next car flip!

Human interaction

2010-06-10T15:20:00.002+03:00

With every guest I have a new part of me grows. Something new always shows up. It might be a new idea, a new gesture, a new sensation. It doesn't matter what it is, but it will last forever.

Each guest leaves something behind. Memories that would last forever. Something that would made me smile one day and say "He used to do this" or "She used to do that".

The saddest thing about such experiences is the goodbyes. I'm learning to accept such close interactions that won't last more than a few days. I'm learning to have as much fun while it lasts, and accept that we might never meet again. All my life I never had on-the-go friendships. It was always everlasting from my side even if it didn't last. There was always a future to look forward to. I'm finally getting over this. A friendship doesn't have to last a lifetime to be a worthy friendship. A friendship that might last a few days might turn out to be the best friendship you've ever had.

Finally I found something I can dedicate my life to: traveling, helping travelers, and discovering the human race along the way. Let's see how it goes!

I do miss..

2010-06-08T05:17:00.002+03:00

The intimacy,

The eyes changing colors.

The familiarity,

Taking photos all the time,

Being comfortable in photos,

Always looking for something new to do,

The sense of adventure,

The honest smile,

The ease of discussing anything and everything,

The looks on people's faces when they us together (it was priceless on Kasr El Neel),

People in the Metro staring,

Crossing the streets,

Being spoken to in Spanish,

The Yerba Mate,

The hugs,

The self esteem,

Not being alone almost all the time.

My friend, you're the 3rd most influential girl in my life. I talked to you about the 1st and 2nd, and I do wish I can tell them about you. I know now what my eternal happiness would look like, and I'm biding my time for the moment it comes. And it will come. It's not about money or looks or style, it's about the right mixture of comfort, ease and understanding. I know it's such a rare specimen that I'm after, but sooner or later it will happen. I know she's somewhere looking for me too, and one day we'll find each other.

I do miss you, but I didn't cry till now. I remember you and smile. I remember you and feel proud of myself.

Lucky!

2010-06-05T12:23:00.002+03:00

I feel so fuckin lucky!

How many Egyptian guys would be able to tell their mothers that a "foreigner" girl is staying with them for a few days and the mother would believe without doubt that we're not sleeping together when her son tells her that?

How many people on earth would face death in a horrible car accident and not feel a single tinge of regret towards anything they have ever done in their lives?

Yes, no regrets. I am not the strictest Muslim, but I can face Allah right now and trust myself to his mercy because I have never hurt a living being intentionally. I might hug a girl, but nothing in the world can make me believe that Allah would send me into Hell for that alone. We all make mistakes and we're all sinners, but I can never imagine Allah the Just sending you into Hell for holding a girl's hand. I do what I can to follow God's rules, but God who created humans is the best one to know them. Goodness in not about wearing a veil or not talking to girls. Goodness is about leading a conscientious life in which your first aim is to help people as much as you can and abstain from harming anyone for any reason whatsoever.

I can't be more grateful to Allah for making me self-righteous and for giving me the ability to control my urges when other people are involved. I love you Allah!

The time of my life!

2010-06-03T12:29:00.003+03:00

My God! So many first times in so little days!

We can talk about anything and everything. We can stay talking for hours and hours. It doesn't happen with anyone. I just don't blend with everyone so well.. I'm so fuckin' LUCKY she chose me out of the 50 replies she got!

And she's so cute! I didn't feel scared even when I first met her. I didn't feel anything negative about her for almost 3 days now, and I feel like a week of this will make a totally different person of me. I feel myself CHANGING, damn it!

But I can't stop thinking about the end of this. We have so limited time, only 5 days. I just don't imagine the moment I'll say goodbye to her in the airport knowing I might never see her again, not in the next 2 years at any rate. But damn it, I'll enjoy it while it lasts!

And now I can't be more sure that whatever happens, people can enjoy such moments without breaking their religious rules, at least the rules they want to stop at. One can control EVERYTHING when it comes to this especially if it involves other people. I am proud of my self control!

Oh, and I didn't say a stupid thing for 3 days! I succeeded in not saying anything stupid for 3 days! 72 hours! and luckily, when I said my stupid thing she was so understandable. No harm done!

I feel so fuckin' lucky!

I can't believe it

2010-05-31T11:37:00.003+03:00

Imagine that. An Israeli force attacking 6 Turkish civilian ships in international water. Till now 16 murdered. This is unbelievable. Simply unbelievable. This is piracy at its best. What will Turkey do? What will the world do? Anything short of halting all the sorts of relations would be totally unaccepted.

Anyone out there still defending Israel except politicians?

A moment in life

2010-05-24T15:41:00.003+03:00

It was an unforgettable moment when I shook hands with my inspiring angel.

The only problem is that I was thunderstruck. I didn't know what to say or do. I felt so out of place with all these suits and nightdresses around. Thank god I wasn't alone or even the shake hands wouldn't have happened.

Every time I think about it I have to remind myself that angels are so distant.

2010-05-21T15:17:00.003+03:00

I am Mohammad and I am an addict. Actually I'm a double addict. I'm addicted to two things that I can't talk about to anyone. Not yet anyhow. They're making my life miserable. They make me feel guilty and inferior and are the main source of negativity in my life. I don't know what to do to get rid of these addictions. A blast maybe?

CouchSurfing

2010-05-20T02:55:00.002+03:00

It's amazing how getting to know different people can change one's perceptions of what he knew all his life. Getting used to anything simply kills it, and it only takes looking to it through the other's eyes to see what have been forgotten.

It's wonderful to feel useful. To make it a bit easier for others to see the world until the times comes when one can go on a trip to see the world.

It's beautiful to give, and it's impossible to give without taking. What one takes doesn't have to be material or expected. Reward can be as simple as a smile or a day one spends in happiness.

I found one way to make it easier for others and make myself happy, and I'm not letting go of my treasure.

Issues!

2010-05-18T04:30:00.002+03:00

Damn it, I need to get this out of my system! BEAUTIFUL UNVEILED GIRLS ARE NOT SCARY! They won't bite me, they won't hurt me, and even their rejection won't harm me!

This is one psychological complex I need to get rid of! Does it have a name?

God I really have issues!

Home

2010-05-17T02:03:00.003+03:00

So for the first time since the infamous week my life has been busy. I had the most terrible clientever who wanted to get away by not paying me 2 weeks work, and the matter wasn't settled till today after almost a month of problems and disputes (that was an experience worth having, being into a Dispute on Elance). Now I'm looking for a job either online or not, anything to do and make money out of.

But I've been enjoying myself. The last week I've been speaking English more than Arabic. I have guests and expecting more guests. I am experiencing my own culture from different and totally unexpected perspectives. I'm thinking about stuff I have never thought about. I'm noticing stuff that used to pass from under my nose without notice. It's been almost a week since I slept in my cozy bed at my mother's place. That's how I refer to it now, cuz now I have my own place and I'm getting used to it.

It's worth it to stay with people you didn't know for a while, especially if they were from a totally different world. Everything is interesting: conversations, habits, food, and most of all questions.

Experience

2010-05-06T04:33:00.002+03:00

It's funny how these days are so very busy and enjoyable, my most penniless days. So I hosted a guy from the Netherlands for 2 days, and went riding horses with him for the 1st time in my life. 2 days later I picked my ex-boss from the airport and he stayed the night and then we spent the whole day together, and it was such wonderful time I can't believe it actually happened till now! And today I went to this Sufi Dance event where you can enjoy 90 minutes of Sufi dancing, music and singing for free in Wekalet El Ghoury (وكالة الغوري) a place I didn't know it even exists until today, and now a guy from Hungary is sleeping over in my place.

Today was also the first time for me to hear about the Rainbow Family. Actually 2 Rainbow Family girls from Canada were sitting right in front of us at the concert, and my Hungarian friend recognized them and then talked to them. It would be really interesting to get to know a member of the family, no?

Thank God for CouchSurfing!

A passing thought...

2010-05-05T05:20:00.001+03:00

Today a scary thought hit me: If I believe that religion is all about being Good and spreading Goodness, then there's no meaning of so many forbidden things. Imagine what would that mean.

Updates

2010-04-26T21:32:00.002+02:00

So I'm broke, and I'm staying at home working all day long. What's new to write? Well, next to nothing. Passing my days between matches and work isn't much fun. I even thought of making a phone call but no one popped into my mind, so I dropped it.

I'm still hungry though, physically and mentally. Work is not helping. Staying at home is making it like hell for me. I just run away from myself by eating anything I can set my hands on. I had dinner 3 times yesterday: indomy, halawa and then eggs. After that I spent a sleepless night because my stomach didn't like what I did.

I'll spend the next couple of days in my place. Let's see if that will stop me from eating. I actually miss the empty stomach feeling.

Hunger

2010-04-21T07:06:00.003+02:00

I am so fuckin hungry I can't think of anything else. And I just.. can't eat. It's so complicated but I can't eat and get filled. I do eat, but the hunger still remains. It just goes into oblivion for a couple of hours and then here it pops again. And whenever I eat I become so numb I can't think at all. It's like this urge to eat is poisoning me whether I feel it or not.

And what with the food? Food is just out of reach. There's always food of course, but not what you want, not what you desire, and certainly not what agrees with you. Real food is just too precious you can't even think of having it. Real food is not for you. Suffice yourself with whatever food you have, that food that you try so hard not to eat it but can't do without, so you end up eating it anyway and feeling so bad and depressed about it.

And real food is too precious because there's always these small details that matter. Not any food would agree with your stomach. Your stomach is just too weird that not any kind food would get in. And there's always something missing in the food that you see, be it salt, pepper, hotness, freshness, or anything else that pops up. There's always something wrong whether with you or with the food. What can you do about it? Well, you can just make up your mind not to eat at all, but that's impossible. You can just eat whatever you have, but there's no joy in that and once you settled for doing this you're screwed for the rest of your life. You can live on what you don't consider food and wait for the real food to come, but hell I wouldn't be writing all this shit now if that can give me peace of mind.

What then? When will I eat that dream meal I'm always looking forward to? What will happen to me before that? In times like these I am certain I'll either become crazy or die before it happens, and what's the use of having all the food in the world if you're too crazy to even stretch your hand and grab it? Will the food grab me? Well, food just don't do that.

I'm just so fuckin hungry and I feel like this is a crime.

2010-04-21T04:12:00.002+02:00

So what makes a man? What makes a human being? What makes an interest? What makes a hobby? What is someone? Is he a set of ideas or a set of feelings or not a set at all? What makes someone like someone else?

and why the hell am I writing this?

2010-04-19T18:18:00.002+02:00

and whenever I forget it comes back again in the most intense kind of way. It's like a mental period, it's like my loneliness is eating me alive. I'm so desperately looking for that hand that will save me from what I've become, but what I always get is mirages.

What keeps me goin is that I know how beautiful it'll be when it happens. I know and I'll wait.

FINALLY!

2010-04-14T20:41:00.001+02:00

Such a beautiful feeling when all of a sudden you see in front of you a book that you've been searching for since you started reading! Welcome home, Poe!

Sexy aliens

2010-04-14T01:33:00.003+02:00

I read something that got me wondering. Actually it kind of enlightened me about why I find beautiful (or to be more precise, sexy) girls scary as if they're aliens. Well, simply because they are aliens to me. To me a girl is something really really huge, like a girl I exchange a word with might occupy my mind for a week. A girl to me is a puzzle that's not to be dealt with lightly (which usually result in my failing miserably). A girl to me is a mystery. Every word or look or gesture has a meaning.

On the other hand, to sexy girls I'm just another guy. They won't take a second look at me. I'll be stereotyped to some group or another. They date a guy every other day so why bother? El shabab zy el rozz! A guy can be funny but has no car, another might have a really nice car but not cute enough, etc. There's always a new guy waiting in line for his turn.

Scary, no?

Well, I tried no to sterotype, but still the fear is there. Can't help it...

Stupidity resurfacing

2010-04-13T16:03:00.003+02:00

It's when I sit in those places and see, or rather watch, those people that I feel strange. I feel scared. They're "them" they're not like me or like anyone I can deal with. I wouldn't know how to deal with them even if I had contact wit them. My fears would be all too clear that it'll certainly drive them away unless by some coincidence they see something that's not at all visible that makes them a bit curious or comfortable. So far it happened only once, and I didn't know how to use it. Yeah, it's time to face it: FEAR. I'm not sure how, though. It's like I look too high to see them as if they were celebrities, while in face they're normal people just like me. I feel curious about them and their thoughts, actions and lifestyle, but my fears overwhelm my curiosity every time. It even sometimes happen with people I know online through their blogs or facebook activity or stuff like that. The only way I know of dealing with this social illness of mine that I can imagine is traveling. There's something else, but I know will never happen. If only there were courage pills or something!

So, I'm back to my eternal dilemma! Impressed by a lifestyle and scared of those who represent it to my mind. Impressed and scared. Damn it!

Oh, I see this kettle I really wanna buy (the one in which you get your tea when you order it in an american cafe) but i'm not even going to ask how much it costs.

So far I translated 2 pages. Oh joy.

Damn it, CONCENTRATE

2010-04-13T00:51:00.002+02:00

I need a treatment for my fidgeting NOW! My restlessness makes it hard for me to concentrate on working more than half an hour straight. The content is easy and interesting, so why the fuck can't I concentrate on it? What can the solution be? Coffee? Cigarettes?

I think I know what it can be, yet it's as impossible as it ever was. What then?

2010-04-11T16:32:00.002+02:00

How about 3 months of work, just work, and nothing but work? That would solve so many of my problems, and I'm not just talking about financial problems. How about not going out for a week except when I really want to? How about sitting in a cafe all day long, working and watching people? How about if I did this every day? I won't be tired of my own company anymore. I'll get used to being with myself with many people around. I'll learn to even enjoy it.

Oh Alice!

2010-04-09T23:28:00.004+02:00

I want to write about Alice in Wonderland. I love that kind of movies. It's just so surreal and unreal, filled with freedom and unusual limitations. You get to experience something new every scene. You see ideas coated beautifully as if no one has thought of them before, as if they're coming to you first hand, so fresh and pure!

I dream of a life that is so surreal and unreal. And one day I'll get it, even if it the price was me my sanity.

Enough said!

2010-04-06T03:33:00.001+02:00

Alice in Wonderland movie is fuckin amazing!

to my blog

2010-04-02T14:49:00.003+02:00

Dear blog,

I know I'm treating you badly. I'm sorry for that, but you're my only refuge. Most of the time you're silent, but when you speak you make me feel much better whatever you say. I don't know what I would've done without you. Excuse my down days. You know well by now that they don't last more than a couple of days. Who knows what the future holds for me, but whatever it is you'll get to know it sooner or later. You've seen all my 1st times since you were born. They're not much, but they are all I have to be proud of. just know that I'll always love you no matter what.

Yours truly,

Mohammad

2010-04-02T03:06:00.002+02:00

What's the use of all these petty scenarios of conversations that will never happen, and situations that will never occur? Why is it that what actually happens is always worse than the worst scenario I fantasize about? and I can't help it. My mind wander on its own, drawing pictures that are sometimes bright and other times dim. I've always done that, and I wonder if I'll ever stop. Sometimes I even invent scenarios with someone who's actually with me, so the result would be inattention and the appearance of absentmindedness when I couldn't care more. Sometimes my scenarios gets mixed with realities that for a moment I can't tell which is real and which is invented.

Oh, and I screwed up big time today. I couldn't rest till I destroyed a friendship that meant the world to me. I'll try to think it's better this way. I'll try to wake away for the first time from someone I hold dear.

2010-04-01T13:09:00.001+02:00

I knew pretty well what I want right now, but what's the use? no one can offer it to me, and I can't ask it. What's the use of knowing if I can't do anything about it?

2010-04-01T03:23:00.002+02:00

Why the fuck am I doing this to myself? Every little detail was screaming loud and clear, and I just realize it now? Fuck it, really. Fuck you, fuck me, fuck everybody. Just leave my fuckin head alone, will you? Let me sleep or get fuckin numb again. Let me be the dead asshole I was. Damn it, why can't I sleep? Why am I fuckin depressed over nothing? Why am I making stupid fuckin scenarios and convos that will never happen? Why can't I fuckin concentrate on hating you?

Purpose

2010-04-01T02:05:00.002+02:00

I knew it's not gonna last, that euphoric feeling of mine. I knew it's hard not to feel a tinge of something, borrowing all this money that will leave me in debt for at least a year. I knew I won't stand staying alone for a month. I knew that sooner or later it will happen again.

Yet I don't regret it. I try to repent sometimes, but no regrets. I tried to hold on as much as I can, but that's as far as I can go alone.

I know that if it isn't coming from me, then it's artificial. I know this might mean I'm empty from the inside. I know that I don't know what I want or what makes me happy. I know that doubts and overthinking screws every beautiful thing I might have. I know that right this second I shouldn't be writing what I'm writing.

But I can't help it. I can't help being me. I can't help the negativity resurfacing after less than a month of having no emotional purpose. I need a purpose, NOW!

Rajaz

2010-03-27T03:18:00.002+02:00

When the desert sun has passed horizon's final light

and darkness takes its place...

We will pause to take our rest.

Sharing songs of love,

tales of tragedy

The souls of heaven

are stars at night.

They will guide us on our way,

until we meet again

another day.

When a poet sings the song and all are hypnotised,

enchanted by the sound...

We will mark the time as one,

tandem in the sun.

The rhythm of a hymn.

The souls of heaven

are stars at night.

They will guide us on our way,

until we meet again

another day.

When the dawn has come

sing the song,

all day long.

We will move as one,

bear the load

on the road.

The souls of heaven

turn to stars

every single night

all across the sky...

they shine.

(I just discovered the right pronunciation of "hymn"!)

Real life test

2010-03-18T04:19:00.004+02:00

Are there "halal" and "haram" thoughts? Such a real test for what I believe in!

Should I translate something against my beliefs? Will it be working against God in any way if I translated content that is trying to refute Islam or the Quraan? The job was refused before by at least one translator because it's "against Islam". I was even warned not to work on it because "Allah is watching me".

On the other hand, won't I be helping someone express his opinion (that happens to be against mine)? Can that be damaging to anyone? Wouldn't it be like applying some sort of censorship if I refused the project?

"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." ~Voltaire

This is a saying I always believed in, but now it's put to the test.

I learned long ago to follow my conscience, and that's what I'll do.

While searching for the exact wording of the above quotations, I came by such a wonderful quote:

Did you ever hear anyone say, "That work had better be banned because I might read it and it might be very damaging to me?" ~Joseph Henry Jackson

Thorough opinions about the subject will be more than appreciated!

Last times

2010-03-15T02:26:00.002+02:00

Last time I saw my 1st most influencing person in my life was across the street, and then I realized I don't care anymore.

Last time I saw my 2nd most influencing person in my life was in an office, and I was wearing a suit, and I knew we have never been friends and I wish we can.

Last time I saw my 3rd most influencing person in my life was in my car, and we had a fight. I was so worried and I spoke plainly, but fought. You probably never liked me anyway, only needed me. I don't care. You'd like me, or at least respect me, well enough if you saw what mark you left on me.

Today I woke up from one of the happiest dreams I ever saw in my sleep. I didn't want to wake up. It was like a good movie with a not-so-happy ending.

Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow might be the day. Funny how one of your most important days depends on a carpenter..

Saturday

2010-03-14T11:49:00.003+02:00

Yesterday I got my fridge, and damn I'm so proud of my fridge I want to hug it! The carpenter was supposed to come hang the kitchen yesterday but he didn't. The electrician was supposed to come install the dish on the roof but he left me waiting and didn't even say he's not coming. C'est la vie, right? You don't get all you want in one day. You have to wait, and wait patiently.

Rings any bells?

2010-03-12T13:13:00.004+02:00

"The Puritans's self-conceit was that their way of life represented something absolutely simple and natural, whereas the amoral Europeans were given over to concealment and pretence." Introduction to The Europeans by Henry James

Here's a strange thought: our society reminds me of the vague puritan society I read about in the little classic american novels I read so far. I don't know much about it, but to me there are clear similarities especially in the "unnaturalness" of human relations.

2010-03-12T11:00:00.003+02:00

I'm finally okay with borrowing. I don't want to wait till I have the money to spend it on my flat, I'd rather have it now and then work hard to pay back.

So far I never spent the night there alone. It's hard to think of it now, and it will be hard to do.

It's such a beautiful feeling to have your own place, and this time it WILL last.

I'm also finally okay with waiting. I won't look for love anymore. Love will come to me, and when it comes it will be beautiful and different and everything I wanted. I have faith in myself and in my fate now. I'll enjoy every moment till before it comes, and every moment after it hits me. Everything falls into place sooner or later, all I have to do is wait.

"Halal" and "Haram"

2010-03-08T19:06:00.003+02:00

What if you're faced with a situation that can't be analyzed according to the Halal/Haram concepts? What would you do if the clearly halal option would make your conscience ache till your last breath, if the haram option is the right option every way you look at it?

What if you have to stay with a girl alone for example? You know and she knows that nothing would happen between you. You know that there is no other option that would ease your conscience. What would you do? Would this - for comparison's sake - be more "haram" than smoking? Do you think God would punish you for hosting a homeless girl if you have no dirty motives?

What if someone would kill himself if he doesn't drink? Would you help him drink (or at least approve of his drinking) or let him kill himself? There are no other short term options. The guy is suicidal and was saved before by a miracle. What would you do?

Now for a big one. What if you met a homeless girl. Before you people got what they wanted from her and threw her away when they were bored. She didn't choose to be that way, and you got %100 sure of that. As far as I know it's clearly forbidden for you to marry her according to the Quraan if you're still clean and virginal. Would you marry her (at least on papers) to save her or leave her for her fate?

Most of the three situations are imaginary, so let's not get personal.

A perfect line

2010-03-03T20:59:00.002+02:00

And I never wanted anything from you

except everything you had

and what was left after that too.

Florence and the Machine - The Dog Days are Over

Not much to ask, right? Not much at all.

The dog days are over!

2010-03-03T01:56:00.002+02:00

This is a beautiful song. My "dog days" are quite different than the meaning of dog days. I enjoy that: giving my own meanings to words or expressions - and sharing those meanings with people I care for. Language is something personal, right?

Living outside your head

2010-03-03T00:42:00.003+02:00

How wonderful it feels to be aware of what's going on! How beautiful to be more concentrating and take a little less time to process what's said or seen! How great it is to be able to remember what you wanna remember without making much effort, as if your mess of a mind became organized all of a sudden! So it wasn't natural after all, it was psychological. I don't know how or why this is happening to me, but I'm enjoying it. This is yet another blessing I WILL hold on to.

Swearing

2010-03-01T18:42:00.002+02:00

I'm thoroughly enjoying the fuck-em-all feeling.

Dear readers, can I swear in Arabic? I'm not really asking for your permission, just want you to think with me. I don't see the point of not swearing in Arabic when it's normal to swear in English. I'll give it a thought. Feel free to think with me or swear with me.

The experience of my life

2010-03-01T12:21:00.002+02:00

I did something I never imagined I'd do, and did it without fear, and when it ended I had no regrets. This week a lot happened, but I can yet write about it. This week the least of what happened was that my laptop was stolen. I stayed in my flat for 6 days, 2 of them with the dust of 4 years on the floor and with no bathroom. I slept on the floor, and slept soundly. I wasn't alone there too.

I feel changes in me. I don't feel cold or hunger as I did before. When I eat I just take some bites and can't finish my plate, me who was always hungry. I feel much stronger from the inside. I'm more troublesome, and wouldn't mind standing up to anyone, me whose aim in life was to stay out of trouble. The old me would've wrote "I wish this would last" but the new me says it WILL last.

I even became stronger than my urges. I wouldn't be worried about myself now if I stayed the night with the most gorgeous woman in the world. I know that if I don't want to, nothing would make me do it. I know that it has nothing to do with physical attraction, but with the power of will. I know that God would stand beside me if I stood beside myself. I know that I can do anything in the world for someone I care for, and if I was betrayed or fooled I'll have no regrets.

I always said I need someone to help me, but I didn't know it wasn't necessary for them to stay. They came, left their mark, and left me grateful in spite of what happened.

Thank you, M. I'll always remember you. I wish I'd see you again.

2010-02-22T03:44:00.000+02:00

أوسخ حاجة في الدنيا إن الواحد يبقى ما بيعملك حاجة غلط ومش عارف يقول الحقيقة

East of Eden in Hurghada

2010-02-11T21:37:00.004+02:00

I've been in Hurghada, spent 4 days there with family. With me I took one book: John Steinbeck's East of Eden. You notice the short sentences? That's what you get out of 5 days of American Literature.

I just finished the novel, and I'm impressed. It's one of those novels that create a mood inside one's mind. A mood that one wish could hold on to.

Everybody in the novel was sort of exposed. So much is happening, yet you get to know the deepest thoughts of the characters. You watch them grow too. You watch them think, act, and then watch how it come off.

50 pages before the ending I thought I liked Cal better. Now I'm not so sure. Maybe I should wait and see which character will stay. Maybe I don't like any character better, they were all elements of a story that I liked.

Before that I read only 2 novels by Steinbeck: The Pearl, which was a masterpiece, and The Red Pony, which sucked big time. I guess now the score is 2 to 1.

Hurghada was full to the brim with Russians. I think it would've been nicer if there were more mixing, but one nationality makes it feel like a Russian second home. In the hotel everybody's speaking Russian (or trying to), there were newspapers in Russian, and even outside the store names were in Russian. I spend most of the day reading at the beach, and I really enjoyed it. It was interesting to see stiff-collared middle aged Egyptians (men and women, usually married with teen children) looking at casual Russians having fun in their bathing suits. It got me thinking about my morals and religion. Well, I didn't feel even a tinge of contempt over all the flesh I've seen. I felt my religion is urging me to, but I just didn't. I didn't care who wear what or do what, and I felt good about that. It wasn't forced, and I wasn't trying to control any temptations.

The novel helped me with something: It helped me develop my idea of good and bad. I've had this brewing for years, but now it's almost fermented. Bad is what might hurt someone, good is everything else. Add to that some stuff that might make you feel bad about yourself although it doesn't hurt anyone else and you've got my moral fiber. Of course there are some things in between, like when you wanna do something that you really want to do but a parent don't feel good about it. On another thought that can be put under personal independence rather than good or bad.

When?

2010-02-07T02:13:00.002+02:00

"When, she wanted to ask him, when will this new world come? When shall we be free? When shall we live adventurously, wholly, not like cripples in a cave?"

Virginia Woolf - The Years

Change

2010-02-06T03:31:00.003+02:00

Totally uncreative. Always having half thoughts, uncooked thoughts, semi-thoughts. Been comfortable for too long, haven't I? Don't know what to do about it. My unread books makes me depressed. My unlived life makes me even more depressed. Tawfik Al Hakeem once said that you can either live your life or write about it. In my case it's living or reading about it.

Change is a magic word, Change is life. Change is overdue.

Valuable books

2010-01-30T13:02:00.002+02:00

Did I ever mention how much I love old editions? Well, I do. Currently I am reading Virginia Woolf's The Years. The book is printed by Hogarth Press that was founded by Leonard and Virginia Woolf in their own house in 1917.

The book was first published in 1937. What I have is the 4th impression hardcover that was published in 1958.

Long live soor el azbakeya!

People

2010-01-20T02:30:00.000+02:00

Take a look at this poem.

Can anyone explain to my the 2nd stanza?

Silas Marner

2010-01-19T14:16:00.002+02:00

I didn't know how much I miss George Eliot until I started reading her again. The novel is shorter than usual, but the characters are so unique and well written that you think you're watching them talking. One strange thing is that Silas, the hero, talked very little during the whole novel. All the same, you can feel him and sympathize with him.

Yesterday was the 1st day in ages since I didn't do anything but reading. It took me 10 days to finish the novel, but I read half of it yesterday alone. I really miss idle days like this where you're free to do what you want and you feel the time slowly passing by.

1st time to...

2010-01-07T13:27:00.001+02:00

Install Windows from a USB flash memory. Took me all night, but it worked!

2010-01-05T00:30:00.002+02:00

Here's a translation for the poem in the previous post done by the sweetest ever M.

Akh, already twenty

Already twenty..

I am still always dancing my way through Life

Everyone, everyone wants to kiss me

To sweeten my life

Akh, already thirty

Already thirty..

I am still always calling myself a girl, a girl.

Already grey hair on my head..

Akh, how fast do years go by…

Akh, already forty

Already forty...

And still Noone has found me

On my face already grey stains..

Akh, this must only be a smudge in the mirror

Akh, already fifty

Already fity..

And still Noone wants me..

Should I decorate myself with ribbons?

Should I cover myself with a veil?

Then they’d say “that Old Woman is primming herself, she’s fifty, she’s fifty”

D. H. Lawrence

2010-01-04T14:23:00.002+02:00

D. H. Lawrence is definitely one of my favorite authors now that I finished reading my 3rd book: Women in Love.

What I love most about him is that he delves deep into the conscious and subconscious of his characters. He reveals their most private thoughts, so that even their weird actions is understandable.

Something I've noticed in his books: that he usually uses 3 additional languages other than English. Like you can get a whole conversation taking half a page in German or French or Italian, and you have to try to understand because there's no translation. I remember a German poem I read in his novel The Lost Girl almost 4 years ago. I looked for it today and I read it again and I still love it.

Here it is:

Ach, schon zwanzig
Ach, schon zwanzig
Immer noch durch's Leben tanz' ich

Jeder, Jeder will mich kuessen
Mir das Leben zu versuessen.

Ach, schon dreissig
Ach, schon dreissig
Immer Maedchen, Maedchen heiss' ich.
In dem Zopf schon graue Haerchen
Ach, wie schnell vergehn die Jaehrchen.

Ach, schon vierzig
Ach, schon vierzig
Und noch immer Keiner find 'sich.
Im gesicht schon graue Flecken
Ach, das muss im Spiegel stecken.

Ach, schon fuenfzig
Ach, schon fuenfzig
Und noch immer Keiner will 'mich;
Soll ich mich mit Baenden zieren
Soll ich einen Schleier fuehren?
Dann heisst's, die Alte putzt sich,
Sie ist fu'fzig, sie ist fu'fzig.

I tried looking for a translation but couldn't find any. If anyone found one please let me know! I kind of understand it, though my German is really poor. Makes me wanna get back to German!

New Year's Resolution

2009-12-31T19:07:00.002+02:00

I thought I'd start to write resolutions this year. I've never done that before. I have been thinking about it for some days, and the only this that came to my mind over and over again was one thing: moving out. That's my resolution for 2010, MOVE OUT. Prepare my own place. Make it comfortable. Make it perfect.

A special life

2009-12-31T02:27:00.002+02:00

`As a matter of fact, one cannot contemplate the ordinary life -- one cannot contemplate it,' replied Gudrun. `With you, Ursula, it is quite different. You will be out of it all, with Birkin. He's a special case. But with the ordinary man, who has his life fixed in one place, marriage is just impossible. There may be, and there are, thousands of women who want it, and could conceive of nothing else. But the very thought of it sends me mad. One must be free, above all, one must be free. One may forfeit everything else, but one must be free -- one must not become 7, Pinchbeck Street -- or Somerset Drive -- or Shortlands. No man will be sufficient to make that good -- no man! To marry, one must have a free lance, or nothing, a comrade-in-arms, a Glücksritter. A man with a position in the social world -- well, it is just impossible, impossible!'

D. H. Lawrence - Women in Love

(Glücksritter is the German version of a soldier of fortune)

Is there such woman in the world? It would be worth knowing one, even if one can never be good enough for her.

2009-12-30T01:42:00.002+02:00

`Yes there is,' he said. `There's somewhere where we can be free -- somewhere where one needn't wear much clothes -- none even -- where one meets a few people who have gone through enough, and can take things for granted -- where you be yourself, without bothering. There is somewhere -- there are one or two people --'

D. H. Lawrence - Women in Love

This is from Excurse, one of the most marvelous chapters I've ever read. I felt it sinking in. I felt that I'm reading behind plain words into the mind of the author and his characters.

I feel at home with Lawrence. He writes about my most hidden desires and wishes. He writes about a freedom that I wish I can be strong enough to grasp some day.

2009-12-19T09:20:00.001+02:00

This is the first time in weeks to wake up that early. It feels good, really good.

The Silmarillion

2009-12-17T17:12:00.002+02:00

After a couple of barren months in which reading for an hour was an achievement, I did almost nothing but reading The Silmarillion during the past few days.

I find it totally enchanting and beyond compare when it comes to Myth and Fantasy. I even liked it more than The Lord of The Rings, and this is because everything about Elves, Men and the world itself become so clear. This is where foundations of Tolkein's world can be found.

First there was Illuvatar, Eru, The One. He created the Ainur, the Valar out of his thoughts. Those are the Powers, to which Illuvatar gave Power. They sang to him, and out of their music he created the World from beginning to end in 3 melodies, but he hid some of what would happen from them. Melkor, later called Morgoth, was one of them, and he was brother to Manwe in thought.

When the world was created he allowed the Valar to enter it, and with them came the Maiar, who were also spirits but of lesser worth. The Valar created Arda for their abode, and Middle-Earth for children of Illuvatar who are yet to come. Ere long a war started between them and Melkor. In this war the world was shaped.

The coming of the Firstborn, the Elves, was hidden from the Valar, and so was the coming of the Secondborn, Men, to which the gift of mortality was given. When the Firstborn came the world was yet dark except in Arda where the Two Trees of Valinor shone. At the beginning of the world the Earth was lighted by two pillars built by the Valar, but they were destroyed during the war with Melkor. Only starts that the Valar made lighted the world these days. Under the stars the Elves came to the world, many ages before the Sun and Moon were created out of the last 2 fruits of the Two Trees of Valinor.

Melkor was able to turn some of the Maiar to his side, and from those came the Barlogs, Ungoliant the spider, and Sauron.

After reading The Silmarillion the beginning of all the races that inhabited middle became clear except Hobbits. Are they a race of Men who dwindled?

The Elves, the Firstborn, appeared on Middle-earth. They and Men, the Secondborn are the Children of Illuvatar. They were created out of Illuvatar's thoughts and their time of appearance was hidden from the Valar in the Music of Creation.

The Dwarves were created by Aule, one of the Valar, in the darkness of Middle-earth. Illuvatar was pleased of what Aule had done, and so he gave them Life, for without him they wouldn't have been able to move or think on their own, but only by the will of Aule.

The Orcs are said to be Elves that Melkor kidnapped and through ages of torment turned them into foul creatures, for he couldn't create Life on his own.

All the other unspeaking creatures like birds, trees, and animals were created by the Valar.

This is my understanding of the world of Tolkein after reading The Silmarillion. I might have misunderstood some points, though.

If anyone reading this have already read The Silmarillion please let me know what you think!

2009-12-14T21:09:00.002+02:00

How much is this going to last? This state of nothingness and numbness. This state of I-dunno-how-I am? I hardly get up and do anything that I wanna do. I might as well start working from bed. I don't even have it in me to go work outside anymore, even though the pay is better than ever. What the heck is wrong with me? Is it a phase that is tarrying more than it should or is it the side effect of waiting? I sometimes wonder if what I'm waiting for will actually change anything.

I remember this Arabic series I watched almost 15 years ago when the TV was 3 channels only. There was this old man who is living alone and keeps to himself and everybody keeps away from him. In this series I first heard the word "berrawi" and I wondered why he would be like that. Why would he be so afraid of mistrusting? Why would he want to keep people, any people, away from the slightest of his affairs? The series started with him in his 50s, and I wondered what happened to him that led him to be like that?

Now I'm asking myself whether I'm eventually becoming him.

Ripe People

2009-12-06T22:47:00.003+02:00

"Why, why are people all balls of bitter dust? Because they won't fall off the tree when they're ripe. They hang on to their old positions when the position is overpast, till they become infested with little worms and dry-rot."

D. H. Lawrence in Wmen in Love

Makes sense, doesn't it?

2009-12-05T03:35:00.001+02:00

Sometimes one just feels like all he wants is something as simple as someone to watch a movie with. And one doesn't usually get it.

The Terminal

2009-11-28T06:52:00.002+02:00

I watched this movie a couple of days ago. It's been a while since I watch a "good" movie, so I really enjoyed it.

I am still a bit confused about the message, though. The guy adapted to his situation nicely, and made friends of everyone he got in touch with. What he was looking for was real simple, and things always worked out his way.

Well, I think I'm jealous!

Completing the Complete Works of Oscar Wilde

2009-11-26T01:45:00.002+02:00

After almost 2 years of getting on and off that book, it's finally finished.

The dark and ominous short stories (supposedly for children) are the best section in the book. The Novel, The Picture Of Dorian Gray, was good, but not great. The plays were really a disappointment to me, and the famous a play was the more disappointment it was to me. I guess his way of smart talk wasn't to my taste. The poetry was my debut to reading poetry, and I really enjoyed some of his poems. The prose (dialogues, book reviews, articles, letters) were lengthy and repetitive. They definitely were not meant to be read in a book.

So long, Oscar Wilde! Let's see if I'll miss you.

Is it a coincidence to read this in that time?

2009-11-22T15:44:00.001+02:00

"National hatreds are always strongest where culture is lowest."

Oscar Wilde

2009-11-21T18:50:00.000+02:00

I wish someday some girl whould say to me, "Mohammad, I really like your views!"

I think I'll fall in love there and then.

Human Touch

2009-11-21T04:35:00.002+02:00

When was the last time I actually "touched" someone? You know, that kinda touch you don't forget easily, that friendly contact like in shaking hands or hugging or whatever. I think this is the most thing I look forward to. I also know this is not gonna happen soon, unfortunately. It's becoming an element of our Egyptian culture not to touch. It actually makes me shiver and I did all I can to avert it, but now I know I really want it, that human touch. I really want it.

Football?

2009-11-17T20:00:00.002+02:00

It's not about football anymore. It's about how mutilated everything has become, and serve us right. Egyptians as a people has been oppressed for so long and they don't even mind it anymore. Yes, I'm generalizing, and yes, I know it's wrong to generalize. Everything is just becoming.. tasteless.

I love football. I love watching a good football game with lots of goals and great talented players competing. Is that what football is about here? Hell no! In Europe they used football over decades to entertain, but they also used it to remove those centuries-long tensions between nations and races. If that was planned and not unexpected result, I bow in respect to the master mind behind it. But here, in a 3rd world country, it's different. Football has become a way of expressing hatred, racialism and fear of the other. In Europe, it's normal to see a team of 30 players from 10 different nationalities, skin colors, religions, or any other aspect of being different. First players got used to it, then fans got used to it, et voila, here's a way of civilizing the people! Ideas like "He's black" or "He just came to our country to work, so he's our slave" are not there anymore, at least when talking about the majority. But here, in a 3rd world country? Hell no!

Isn't it remarkable how almost all 3rd world oppressed countries have stuff in common? Like football for example. You'd find unbearable football, and fanatic fans never minding even worse football provided their team will be the best of the worst. Where football is a way to make people happy, not by playing but by winning? That's sick, really. I can't think of a more civilized person who would cheer good-heartedly for the other team if his own team sucks. Who would do all he can to make his team aware that he wants good football, not just winning.

Now I finally understand what "civilization gap" means. It's not just about factories or technology or wealth, but first and foremost it's about the people. Now How much difference is it between us and the civilized world? 50 years to say the least. The scary thing is, the gap is getting wider. Over the Mediterranean they're becoming more and more accepting, at least among themselves. It's becoming uncool to be a racist or unacceptable to differences. Over here it's just getting worse every year. People are becoming more racist, more hating, more unaccepting. What's the use of being filthy rich (like in the Gulf) when the people are still filled with hatred?

Well, enough nagging. I wish I my thoughts were clearer about this.

Blind Dating

2009-11-10T04:40:00.002+02:00

Blind Dating is a nice movie. Kinda cheesy, but nice. I liked it. How's that for a review?

4th movie to watch today. Feels kinda good to be having so much free time, provided it doesn't go for long.

Now here's for a soundtrack that I rediscovered at the end of the movie:

Alienation

2009-11-09T20:02:00.002+02:00

Why is it becoming so common that both sides on any talk show are assholes? Isn't is supposed to be like one side is an asshole pro-government paid mouth, and the other is a decent right-minded person? Now whenever I happen to be in the living room there are 2 assholes on TV shouting at each other, both talking like they have never been in Egypt. Is it that our "clean & clear" regime adopted a new strategy? Like now they're paying both sides, the pro side that is already exposed to each and every viewer above 10 years of age, and the con side whose role it is to confuse and cover up the real problems.

Yesterday I lost my respect of someone who sounded respectable before, Farouk Goweida. I happened to watch 5 minutes of his chit chat with Mona El Shazly, and what he was saying disgusted me. He was saying Egypt "needs" a military man as Prime Minister. Like all those military people controlling the governorates of Egypt are not enough for him! Like the military isn't the main source of that flowing river of corruption that's suffocating Egypt! Wake up, Mr Poet, we're not in the 60s anymore!

Damn it, one feels so alienated when all the colors are shades of gray. Are there no far-sighted public figures left? Damn it, I want some heroes!

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

2009-11-08T20:35:00.002+02:00

Can a movie makes you laugh and still doesn't conform with your idea of a Great Movie? Is it even right to have an idea of a Great Movie?

This movie, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, was really typical and kinda graphic. Yet it was extremely funny! The characters were very badly drawn, but what they're saying would make you laugh almost against your will. Makes you wonder what taste is all about.

Why did I wake up?

2009-11-07T11:41:00.002+02:00

I dreamed that I met a girl. I was walking in the street looking for a spare part of the car when I met a girl. There was this Korean guy, he asked me about a school, and I asked her and she said here it is. She was always laughing. Her eyes were always laughing. She didn't just go away, she stayed and we talked. I asked her about her name, she said she's Reham - or Rehab. She was short, thin, and her hair was short and black. She came with me looking for the spare part for the car, which I didn't find. Once she got far away from me. I was so worried she wouldn't come back, but she did. She was always laughing, her eyes were always laughing. We walked with her arm in mine (like in the English classics) and I asked her if she read some, but I don't know what she said. All I know is that I was happier than ever. I didn't want to wake up.

Reinventing the wheel

2009-11-04T01:41:00.003+02:00

How many wheels have you reinvented today? this week? this month? this year? Did you succeed or fail? Did you learn anything?

I am all the way with trying to understand how wheels work. Different people have different wheels, and each wheel has its pros and cons. But trying to reinvent one because that's how "special" you are, it's kinda stupid. People learn, especially inventors. I can even say that inventors are the greatest learners ever. They learn a lot, but don't stop there. They try to make the wheel better. That who thinks he is genius enough to start reinventing wheels from scratch is no scientist, but a mere hypocrite.

Now for some venting. How many wheels have we been trying to reinvent here in Egypt? These are just a few:

Each and every strong economy in the world is based on small companies. It's always a strong economy when you can form a company in 5 minutes. It's always a healthy economy when you can make a company of any idea you have. But over here they are reinventing the economy wheel. They think they can build a strong economy merely on corporations and giant companies. They think the more billionaires you have the stronger the economy is. Egypt is no place for small companies. In the US, 99.7% of employers are small businesses! for each 3 corporation giant, there are 997 small companies! How many do we have here? 90%.

Clubs, what are they? Are they publicly owned or owned by their members? Are they business firms or playgrounds for the "youth"? Do you call Abou Terika a youth for example? If they are publicly owned, why do we pay the players millions of pounds each year? Almost everywhere in the world clubs have turned into businesses. They are publicly traded, they issue shares, pay dividends if they made profits, etc. Over here they are mutants. They pay millions of pounds to players and other parasites, and that's it. All clubs (except Al Ahly) rely on the government for their financing. Like we have perfect education, health system, transportation, and we have so many extra money that we pay Mido and Amr Zaky from taxes! Good job, Egypt. This is the worst wheel you have ever invented!

Censorship! What does censorship has to do with Islam? Is censoring naked actors and actresses in movies will lead you to heaven, because semi naked ones don't count? What hypocrisy! What fallacy! Will censoring scenes and political ideas in movies transform children into saints? I remember when I was in preparatory school (13 years old) how guys used trade video tapes and porn magazines! How guys talk about masturbation with proud! How this guy and that brags that they can make fools out of they parents and watch satellite after they sleep. Even I used to do this. Whenever we're on a vacation somewhere I used to stay up late after they sleep and watch "the satellite"! So what is censorship really about? Simply politics. Those who think they're protecting their children by supporting censorships are either fools, hypocrites, or were never children.

Those are the wheels I can think of now. Do you know some more?

Some quotations! (Oscar Wilde)

2009-11-02T00:45:00.003+02:00

- To be suggestive for fiction is to be of more importance than a fact.

- The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.

- "But what is the difference between literature and journalism?"

- "Oh! Journalism is unreadable, and literature is not read. That is all."

- "Learned conversation is either the affectation of the ignorant or the profession of the mentally unemployed."

Wilde is the master of playing with words!

أول خبر في نشرات الجزيرة في اليوم التالي لوفاة صاحب العزبة

2009-10-26T01:58:00.003+02:00

ميليشيات المنوفية على مشارف القاهرة، وصراعات دامية في الإسكندرية بين فرق من الجيش ومسلحين إخوانيين

جمال مبارك وعمر سليمان يؤجلان خلافهما على السلطة لحين التخلص من الخطر الإخواني

Inspired by ibhog

اضحك مع التعليم المصري

2009-10-23T14:24:00.002+02:00

So my sister is giving private lessons to a couple of small children. Their mother is a university professor. Yes, a holder of PhD. So far nothing to laugh about. What's really funny is that she asked my sister to translate parts of the curriculum she's teaching. Yes, she's teaching an English subject at university, and she's so bad at English she can't understand her own curriculum.

For those who didn't go to Egyptian universities, this is not an exception. This is the normal. I won't ask how she got her PhD, or how she's teaching. I will only ask you this: how can we hope for a better education when the educators don't even know what they're teaching?

The Artist by Oscar Wilde

2009-10-22T01:22:00.001+02:00

One evening there came into his soul the desire to fashion an image of The Pleasure that Abideth for a Moment. And he went forth into the world to look for bronze. For he could think only in bronze.

But all the bronze of the whole world had disappeared, nor anywhere in the whole world was there any bronze to be found, save only the bronze of the image of The Sorrow that Endureth For Ever.

Now this image he had himself, and with his own hands, fashioned, and had set it on the tomb of the one thing he had loved in life. On the tomb of the dead thing he had most loved had he set this image of his own fashioning, that it might serve as a sign of the love of man that dieth not, and a symbol of the sorrow of man that endureth for ever. And in the whole world there was no other bronze save the bronze of this image.

And he took the image he had fashioned, and set it in a great furnace, and gave it to the fire.

And out of the bronze of the image of The Sorrow that Endureth For Ever he fashioned an image of The Pleasure that Abideth for a Moment.